How To Put Yourself Last (And How To Change It)
(This article was originally a guest post on Katie Cleary’s blog Autoimmune Mom. It’s been edited slightly.)
For a long time, I’ve been saying that my health and self-care are my top priorities. It slowly dawned on me, however, that my actions did not match my words.
In contemplating the discrepancy, I listed the ways I was putting something else above myself. From that list, I came up with a few key ways to put yourself last.
Leave yourself completely off of your schedule.
I scheduled in all meetings and appointments, then all work-related activities. Then the schedule was full.
Ignore your body when it is calling for something.
My personal favorite is to ignore when my body wants to move after I’ve been sitting for far too long at my computer.
A close second is sticking to what I “should” be doing when even a few minutes of rest would help me to be more present.
Eat on the run. Socialize on the run. Exercise on the run. Heck, do everything on the run!
We all have our own version of “on the run.” Personal clocks seem to be speeding up in proportion to the speed of technology change. What are we all running from? Ourselves?
Make sure that everyone else’s needs are paramount.
Mothers are especially susceptible to this one, understandably. Even those of us who are not moms are not immune, since we had a mom who likely did it and kindly passed it down.
So, I knew how I was putting myself last, but what would it really take to make my health a priority? How could I put my own self-care first, or at least move it up the list so it’s no longer at the bottom?
Once I got over my fear that if I really put my health and self-care first there wouldn’t be time left in the day for any other activities and I would end up homeless and starving, I got down to business. As I’ve been exploring making changes in my life to answer the above questions, here’s what I’ve learned about what it takes to make self-care a priority.
Radical Honesty
As I found out, it’s one thing to say that self-care is important; it’s another to actually back it up with action. A first step is to be aware of the ways you are putting yourself last or paying lip service to your health and not yet taking the appropriate steps to make it a priority. Be honest with yourself without judgment. It’s not about making yourself wrong for what you’re doing, it’s about acknowledging what is and what you would like to be, so that you can move in that direction.
Of course, you might also need to be honest with friends and family in your life. Educating them about any physical or mental health challenges you have (or just how you’re feeling right now) and helping them understand why you are taking time for yourself can help ease the way as you balance your self-care with family and social time.
Here’s my radical honesty: My deep underlying fears cause me to choose work over self-care when I’m on autopilot (which is more than I care to admit). I would like to trust that putting self-care first will help me feel happier and make new choices that support me far more effectively.
What is your radical honesty?
Clear Why
Making self-care a priority should not be another “should!” Unless I’m clear about my why and keep it front and center, I can turn any decision into a should (I’ve decided to do this so now I should follow through!). When I know my why, however, I’m pulled forward rather than having to push myself.
How do you find your why? My preferred way is to take a goal or intention (i.e. make self-care a priority) and ask, “Why do I want this?” Take the answer that pops into your mind, and ask the same question. Take the next answer, and ask again. Repeat. Keep digging down until you get an answer that makes your heart sing. That’s your why. If you have more than one surface-level why, dig on each one; either you’ll find they end up at the same place or you’ll have multiple inspirations to help you make the choices to amplify your self-care.
Turning Conflict Into Harmony
Let’s face it, you will always run into situations in which your self-care seems to come at odds with something else that is important to you. Your kids are begging for attention. Your partner needs your help. You have a deadline at work. Anytime you want two different things at the same time, or want one thing and feel like you should do something else, you have an internal conflict.
Mostly, people simply overpower one side or the other when they have one of these conflicts. Instead, when you know a process to work through these conflicts, you can connect more fully to yourself and find a way to make sure that you get all of your needs met. Applying the process becomes another form of self-care, bringing harmony to your choices and actions. To learn a basic structure to work through these internal conflicts, listen to this conversation.
Scheduling you into your calendar
I wrote above how I used to do my schedule. A friend challenged me to schedule in my self-care first and then fill in the rest. Once I got over my panic, I accepted her challenge. Self-care went in first—meditate, journal, meals, grocery shopping, exercise, creativity—and then I put in all work-related activities. It wasn’t as bad as I thought! (Ok, maybe I hedged a little bit.) But making sure to include those activities on my calendar keeps them front and center instead of back-of-the-mind thoughts such as, “Oh, I’d like to do some art sometime” or “Gosh, I haven’t exercised yet today,” where it’s easy to push them aside. Of course, the schedule doesn’t always happen as I planned, but it is still a step in the right direction to at least include myself on my schedule.
Stick with it until it’s no longer optional
When beginning a new self-care activity, it might be difficult initially to notice how it affects you. Stick with it long enough and you might find that you can get to the point where you feel the difference. Katie Cleary talked about this in a conversation with her; she notices when she has not meditated and sees the negative impact on her well-being and how she relates to others. When you reach this point then self-care becomes a necessity and less negotiable.
Two keys to getting to that point: the sticking with it, and the noticing. If you’re anything like me, you might need to make some effort with both. Plan in your time to do your exercise, artwork, or meditation, and then begin to take note both right after you do it, and also check in through the day on days when you do it and on days when you don’t. What do you notice?
Fierce love, gentle love
In her book Mind Over Medicine, Lissa Rankin suggests asking this question: “Am I willing to fiercely love and accept myself during my healing journey?” When I first read this question I thought, “Yeah, whatever.” Not long after, however, fierce love became more than an idea. I began to feel like the lioness protecting her cub—I started to grok the fierce love it takes to show up enough, to care enough, to act enough to ensure that this precious being (me) is safe from harm and has what she needs to grow. Then I realized that it takes more than fierce love, it also requires gentle love, the kind that knows what is needed, that wraps you up in a blanket and presses warm tea into your hands and then sits with you for hours, just being there.
What will it take for you to bring your fierce and gentle love to yourself, regardless of whether you feel like you deserve it? When will you begin to treat yourself as a precious being?
People fear that if they make self-care a priority, they will be selfish. Instead, I suggest it’s the most un-selfish thing you can do. Think about it—when you are depleted, how much do you have to give to others? When you move your own health and self-care up your priority list, you build in regular sources of renewal and create the conditions to be able to offer your gifts to the world. The more you can take care of yourself, the more you have to give to others.
How are you making your health and self-care a priority, and what gifts of yours are made possible through your efforts?