Behavior Change Starts With Awareness
Have you ever wanted to change a behavior, yet every time it happens, you aren’t aware until afterwards that you did it? Maybe it’s a tendency to reach for food when you’re feeling bored or unhappy, or a way that you react to someone at home or work that you later regret. When something is a habitual pattern, it’s quite common to be somewhat “unconscious” in the moment, only to “wake up” afterwards. And then beat ourselves up for not realizing in the moment that we were “doing it again.”
To change behavior, it is necessary to become aware in the moment that you are doing the behavior. However, it might be a process to get to the point where you are aware in the moment and can make a different choice. The trajectory might go something like this:
You’re aware much later that you did the behavior you’d like to change.
You’re aware earlier, but still after the behavior.
You become aware immediately after or even during the behavior.
You become aware just before or as the behavior is starting, but still are caught in the habit and do the behavior.
You become aware just before or as the behavior is starting, and catch yourself so you can consciously choose.
So how do you move yourself through these stages? Here’s some tips to move the moment of awareness up:
Don’t judge yourself for what you did! I mean, you can if you want, but I haven’t found it helpful in creating change, and most people I coach don’t either. Instead, give yourself some grace: this is a habit, so it is a process to change it. If it’s tough to give yourself a break when you become aware that you fell into the same pattern, consider that in doing the behavior, you were trying to meet a need, which brings us to #2.
Become aware of the need you were meeting (or trying to meet) with the action you took. Every action we take every day is an attempt to meet our needs (in Nonviolent Communication terms, needs are the fundamental qualities all humans require to survive and thrive.) What part of you took the action? What does that part of you really desire for you? What did it think that doing the behavior would help? If you’re reaching for food when you’re unhappy, you might be meeting a need for comfort or emotional safety. If you’re reacting to what someone else does, you might be trying to meet a need for respect or consideration. Answering these questions supports you getting out of judgment by recognizing that you were actually acting in the service of life, even if it also didn’t meet other needs, bringing us to #3:
Identify the need that wasn’t met by taking that action. You might be more in touch with this need, given that this is a behavior you’d like to change. In the example of eating, you might recognize you’re not meeting needs for health and wellness, and if you react to someone perhaps you didn’t meet your need for control or harmony.
Now that you’re aware of needs, reimagine the situation (really put yourself into it) with you taking the action you would like to take. Close your eyes, and put yourself right back into the situation with as many details as you can—sounds, sights, smells, how you felt internally, what you were thinking. Now allow the situation to unfold but in a way that you are more satisfied with what you do, where you’re able to meet both of the needs you’ve identified in steps 2 and 3.
Identify a cue that you can use that will help you become aware the next time the situation occurs. Given your imagining in #4, can you identify something in the situation that can serve you in the future to become aware earlier? Maybe it’s an internal sensation or emotion, maybe there’s a thought, or maybe it’s an external cue.
It may take multiple trips through these five steps for you to be able to consistently change the habitual behavior, so no judgment if the first try doesn’t do it. This process will work. When you can identify needs your brain will work on other ways to meet them, and re-imagining a situation in the way you’d like starts rewiring your brain to be able to act as you’d like. Finding a cue will provide a prompt to become aware, increasing your likelihood of success.
If you need any help with any of the stages, reach out and let’s chat!